Oceans of Salt

a poem

Coordinates: Maadi, Cairo in bed with two fluffball pussy cats hankering for a cappuccino and hummus that’s better than ice cream at Lebanese Bakery

This is what the other side of a dark night of the soul looks like.

I haven’t wanted to stand still much lately
I haven’t wanted to stop being busy for even a few moments
because
because I know
that in the stillness when I’m staring up at the Virgo Moon
Full in her face shining towards me
I’ll remember the last moon I stared up at
also twenty-eight days ago
riding through Cairo in a starless sky
dust and pollution obscuring the finer jewels of night

I’ll remember that my heart felt the same way then

I’ll feel the saltwater carry upwards from my feet
filling my ears
leaking out my eyes

I now stand waiting for a car to come fetch me
off to Ramsis Station,
and off to Aswan to greet Isis

In these few moments in stillness
the riptide of grief will pull me under

It must,
and it did

I am my mama’s child
I cry her tears
I feel her memory loosening
from familiar shores
She still remembers my name
She won’t always

My blood is her blood

I carry her history of heartbreak
of anger at men
of not being met, held, holden
beholden
for her magic, for her mystery
for her deep cracks of imperfection

I am angry they did not hold her
I am angry in my solid bones

But also I am here
I am not dead
I can’t always say it’s fine
but I know it is
It’s not much to stand on
but it is
enough

The deep riptide
the ocean of salt
cleanses me
purges me
purifies me

I release this basket of tears
into her wholeness
and find myself

I do not feel new
sticky with blood and afterbirth
as a born lamb,
but I do feel myself
as myself,
here in this moment
not busy
not seeking

but

finding.

Twenty-eight days ago
I felt grief, and
a pinch of excitement for what might come
and fear that it wouldn’t
Today I feel grief again
The excitement passed
The hoped-for did not come

There is no more excitement
but also no fear
The thing I feared happened
The worst thing has come

There is nothing more to fear
The sea swallowed my tears

Set your foot on firm ladders
Set your foot on firm ladders

You’re grown now
You can tell when you’re
half-assing something
You can tell when they’re
half-assing something
It’s time to
whole-ass life –
abundant, juicy, whole-ass life

Roll your hips
Vibrate your thighs
Call unto you your beloved
Sing his song

Accept no others
Accept no others

Set your foot on firm ladders
Set your foot on firm ladders

Climb