Feelings Are Never Wrong, but the Stories Behind Them Often Are

We all trick ourselves this way

Updates: I’m switching up the format. Since I’m going to be working Saturdays doing sound ceremonies and ecstatic dance, I’m now going to take Mondays off! What a delight that is! That means Tuesdays you’ll get essays. Fridays will still be the Friday linkfest, but I’m renaming it <Sanity & Sillies> to better capture what that junk drawer of absurdity is for and about.

art by author

The following essay was my highest viewed on Medium in 2020. It’s just as relevant now.

As a somatic healer, I spend hours each week listening to people open up the darkest boxes inside their psyches. A major part of my work is sifting apart stories and feelings. People often say things to the effect of “I feel like I’m a fraud/piece of shit/asshole/whatever” or “I feel like my partner doesn’t support me.” These aren’t emotions, these are stories — and many of them happen to be limiting beliefs.

Though our feelings are never wrong, the stories that cause them often are. When you’re feeling your feelings, the next word in the sentence after “I feel” is an emotional word such as sad, angry, frustrated, disappointed, happy, proud, etc. If it’s not, you’re not feeling your feelings, you’re mistaking your stories for feelings. “My partner doesn’t support me” isn’t an emotion. It evokes emotion, but it is not an emotion.

For example, the statement “I feel sad” is a clear statement. “Sad” is an emotion. “I feel sad because I’m afraid” is even better — now, you’re identifying the complex layering of multiple emotions. “I feel sad because I’m afraid my partner isn’t supporting me.” Now we’re really cooking with gas! There you have both the story and the layers of emotions around it.

We disguise our thoughts as feelings to shield ourselves from actually feeling them.

Many of our stories are limiting beliefs. “My partner isn’t supporting me” might be true. Some of our stories are true, or at least true enough… but many of them are not true. For example, your core wounding from childhood may say the people close to you don’t love you for who you really are. If that’s the case, when you get stressed you’re likely to use that story or lens to interpret what’s happening in your life. It may be the case that your partner is indeed supporting you, but you can’t accept that support. If you can notice that, you’ll shed many layers of pain quite quickly.

We disguise our thoughts as feelings to shield ourselves from actually feeling them. When you check in with your body to see what physical sensations you notice, you penetrate to the emotional level. That’s where the real business is. Feel your pure feelings first; only then can you get down to the bedrock of what’s true and not true about your stories.

Let’s look at a common limiting belief: that you’re a fraud. This story or belief could feel lots of different ways. You could feel embarrassed, ashamed, disappointed, sad, angry, or desperate. You might even feel a sense of empowerment or entitlement. You won’t know much about what’s really going on until you excavate what’s underneath the belief.

Try it again, this time with feeling

“I feel embarrassed that I’m such a fraud.” Now, we’re really getting somewhere. The feeling emerges, and with it, the limiting belief reveals itself as merely a story. Our example person thinks he’s a fraud. His feeling about that belief is “embarrassment.” Now, we can get curious about where and why that embarrassment began.

It’s important to note that you might think you’re feeling your feelings because you feel anxious or depressed. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but those aren’t specific enough to move you forward. They only tell you you’re over your capacity to feel more.

Anxiety and depression result when too many difficult feelings have gone unfelt for too long. If this is where you are, though, don’t fret — even being aware that you’re feeling anxious or depressed is progress. It’s a rung on the ladder above being anxious or depressed and not noticing, which, believe it or not, is quite easy to do. If you don’t process your difficult emotions, they can turn into chronic pain and inflammation, migraines, digestion issues, etc. — all of the stress disorders associated with the modern American lifestyle.

As the spiritual teacher Neelam says, “pain pushes until love pulls.” The pain you feel can be a powerful motivator to push through limiting beliefs that have kept you stuck and suffering.

It’s worth facing into the shadows of your subconscious, peering into the deepest truths some part of you is afraid to look at. Not only can this release the knots deep inside of you, but what they unlock are the most authentic and magical parts of yourself.

How to recognize limiting beliefs

You can tell the difference between a story that serves you and a story that’s a limiting belief because one feels spacious and more like yourself, and the other feels contracted and heavy in your body.

Limiting belief sentences sound like:

• “I am _____” (limiting belief about my identity).

• “I have to/should _____” (limiting belief about what I expect of myself).

• “They want me to _____” (limiting belief about other people’s expectations).

• “They’ll think _____” (limiting belief about how we’re seen by others).

We need stories. We’ll always have stories, as best as I can tell. The key is to always be upgrading our stories with more accurate, authentic, and empowering ones.

You get to discover who the hell you really are

“I’m a fraud,” or whatever your version of your limiting belief is, doesn’t get you anywhere. Well, let’s hang on a second — it got you to where you are. Give it props for that. You wouldn't be who you are without it. If you’re convinced you’re a fraud, you might not have any idea who you are underneath that identity. I appreciate how scary that moment of realization might be, and that’s a huge part of why we hold onto our stories so tightly. That’s okay.

You get to find out who you are underneath the limiting belief, and the finding out journey will probably be one of the wildest and most surprising things you’ve ever done. I see it unfold week by week in my clinical practice, and it’s the number one reason this is my life’s work. It’s utterly magical.

The armor you picked up, probably in childhood, now weighs you down.

Our belief structures served us in some way or we wouldn’t have had them. Now, however, their usefulness has ended. You can clear these limiting beliefs by healing the emotions which pin them in place.

A practical exercise

Tuning into your felt body sensations is one of the fastest ways to do this. To begin, take a deep breath until you feel your body getting heavy. Then, scan your body from head to toe. Notice where in you the most intensity lies and bring your breath there. It may well show up as physical pain. Keep breathing into the center of the location of that sensation until you can tell which emotion you feel.

Once you know which emotion is present, let’s say it’s embarrassment, you can do the following exercise (substitute “embarrassed” for whatever feeling has arisen).

Ask yourself: What am I embarrassed/sad/whatever about? What’s the essence of the story am I telling myself here?

Observe it without getting distracted by whether it’s objectively, capital-T True. The feelings are true, even if the story behind it isn’t. The point is to work through your feelings so you can find out what’s real. This can be difficult at first, so if you find yourself numbing out, overwhelmed, or distracted by your busy brain, come back to your breath and simply sit with what arises.

It can help to set a timer so you don’t dodge out of it. Say to yourself as often as you need, “I’m gonna feel my feelings for the next few minutes. It’s safe to be with these sensations. I’m totally okay.”

To speed the process, once your time is up, grab a journal and free-write whatever came up without any judgment. Don’t try to make sense of it now, just get it all down while it’s fresh. You can sort it out later.

Besos from Oaxaca,
Cris and Team Dragon